How to Talk (or Not Talk) About Food and Bodies this Holiday Season
/“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!”
Wait is it just me or is this actually the most stressful time of the year – we need to remix this song. Even if you absolutely love the holiday season (me me me! I mean pumpkin spice everything and peppermint hot chocolate, twinkly lights, and of course the movie Elf is regularly available for viewing) there is still so much going on this time of year that it can be stressful for anyone. Holiday gatherings, time with family and friends, trying to keep working and managing that and time off, I think we can all agree it’s a lot. Add in any disruption in your relationship with food and your body and it’s a perfect storm of complicated feelings coming at you 100% this time of year. This post is here to support everyone in having a little bit more peace and ease (at least around the food and body part – I can’t change the number of events or your crazy family traditions)
Let’s start with the food:
It’s pretty inevitable that when a group of people get together, especially when there is food around, that food will be a topic of conversation. Unfortunately, instead of beautiful stories of family traditions and celebrating the deliciousness that is abound, these days the topics tend to be more around feeling guilty, trying to avoid or shaming self or others based on food choices. We will probably hear about why so and so can’t eat such and such because of their “diet du jour.” Who is being “good” or “bad” based on what they choose to eat, etc. You know the conversation I’m talking about; we all hear it way too often. What’s wrong with this food talk? Well for starters if anyone in your group has struggled with their relationship with food these comments could be triggering for that individual. Additionally, young ears are likely around who may have an intuitive relationship with food and these comments are what can slowly erode the innate trust these little ones have. Generally, everyone will have a more joyful experience around the event if food isn’t discussed in a shaming or judgmental way.
So how then do we create a safe environment around food for the holidays?
You reading this blog may have to set some boundaries/or choose not to depending on what is going to be best for you! There isn’t a right or wrong way to handle these situations, but the following are some different options:
- Change the topic: when someone starts to talk about food, redirect the conversation. One way to do this is to use the topic discussed in the sentence if it happens to work out ex: so and so is avoiding carbs because they want to fit into a dress for NYE party, shift the topic to what they are doing for NYE, who they will see where they will go, etc.
- Be direct: If you feel like this person is a safe person to talk with, you may choose to be direct and share why talking about food in a negative way is not helpful for you and why you like them to not continue the conversation or similar conversations in the future.
- Be sassy: (Hi I’m a sassy Italian so yes this is my favorite option!) ex: “I’m sorry you feel the need to deprive yourself, I on the other hand can’t wait to enjoy x, y, z.” “Can’t we find something more valuable to talk about then what we put in our mouths?”
- Remove yourself: In certain situations, or with certain individuals you may not feel able to have a conversation and the best thing to do for your own self care is to remove yourself from the situation. Ex: take a break by going outside – maybe the dog needs a walk, you need to grab something from the other room where you really go to take some much-needed deep breaths, or maybe you need to go check on something in the oven.
Now for the body talk (no unfortunately not the 2010 album from the amazing Robyn):
Just like talk about food, bodies often come up when a group of people get together, especially when said group hasn’t seen each other in a while. You know how it goes, grandma makes a comment about looking heavier, so and so compliments someone for their astonishing weight loss – this list goes on. Why is this body talk toxic? To be frank, body comments of any kind are rooted in fat phobia. Whether the comment is inherently “negative or positive” the comment itself is rooted in our cultural obsession with thin bodies and perpetuates the stigmatization of those in larger bodies. I’m going to use a personal example here – I just had a baby 6 months ago and I can’t count the number of “you look so great,” “wow you lost the baby weight” comments I have received. Though this may seem like a compliment this comment is actually saying that the individual making this comment values the appearance of individuals and thinks it is better that my body has gotten smaller since I delivered my child. This is inherently harmful. It perpetuates that my body is only good or valued at a certain size and that therefore, I am good or valued at a certain size. Good thing these kinds of comments know longer affect me personally and I am able to notice and feel for the individuals making them as I can see that they are still stuck in thin obsessed culture and struggling with their own internalized fat phobia. But for individuals who haven’t done this work or for our little ones who are living in world where the cultural norms have not yet infiltrated their pure minds, these comments are damaging.
How do we handle body comments when they inevitably come up? (this might look similar)
- Change the topic: Just like with food you can change the topic
- Be direct: Share why these comments are not helpful and ask that individuals not talk about their own bodies or other bodies, you can even make the event body talk free!
- Be sassy: for when someone comments about their own body my favorite line “your gravitational pull on the earth is just not that interesting to me!” or if your or your child’s body is discussed “my (or their) body is not up for discussion”
- Remove yourself: see above!
It may also be helpful to have a conversation with some of your loved ones that you feel are supportive prior to any holiday gatherings to be able to discuss these topics ahead of time. And if that doesn’t feel possible you could also forward them this blog !!
And finally! It is sooo sooo sooo important to remember that whatever you choose to do to manage food or body comments this holiday season that this work is challenging, you are being vulnerable, and that you deserve extra self-care to support yourself through this time.